Estate Planning for Someone With a Chronic Illness

A large factor in the burgeoning number of older people in our population is the successful management of chronic conditions and diseases.  Many chronic conditions and diseases are now, thankfully, routinely managed with regular medical care and pharmaceutical drugs.  Some chronic diseases can adversely impact a person’s ability to make a living during the prime earning years of their lifetime, and may cause periods of physical and mental disability and have serious emotional consequences as well.  Many people who are disabled as a result of chronic illnesses or conditions are not “seniors” and they face special estate planning challenges.

I recently had the opportunity to hear Martin Shenkman, a nationally recognized estate planning attorney, CPA and RV driver,  speak to a professional group to which I belong.  He had some very useful insights into legal, financial, medical and tax planning for those suffering from a chronic illness.  Shenkman’s wife Patti (an M.D.) was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2006 and now he and his wife and their little dog Elvis (yes, he’s a chick magnet) spend some time traveling around in an airstream trailer so that Shenkman can deliver insightful and entertaining educational programs to professional planners (lawyers, CPAs, financial planners and insurance consultants) on  tips for advising clients and their families who are living with chronic illnesses including: ALS; Alzheimer’s Disease; Parkinson’s Disease; COPD and others.

Shenkman’s article “Estate Planning for Clients with Chronic Illnesses” is available here.  You can look at his numerous articles helpful for both consumers and professional planners here.  I especially liked his “holistic” or multidisciplinary approach to planning for individuals and individuals relative to their unique family situations,  and which addresses not only the legal issues but also financial, tax, health and lifestyle considerations of those facing chronic diseases and conditions.

In the legal context, chronic diseases and conditions can often impact a client’s capacity to hire an attorney, as well as the capacity to make a will or trust.  This is problematic in some progressive diseases in particular, such as Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s, but also in MS or COPD, where flare-ups may implicate cognitive functioning.  Parkinson’s may also involve certain forms of dementia, and where there is depression with any of these chronic diseases, it can sometimes be masked in other symptoms.

People facing these diseases may be more motivated to consider planning for their future and to take care of their family.  Clients who are meeting with an attorney may want to make sure that their lawyer asks enough questions and that she or he listens carefully to responses.  What can sometimes happen is that a detail that the client thinks is not important is indeed important from a legal planning perspective. Some elder law and estate planning attorneys are more knowledgeable about and sensitive to medical conditions and diseases and how they impact a person’s life.  The average age of diagnosis for both Alzheimer’s  and Parkinson’s is 60 and over.  Both Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s are progressive in nature – Alzheimer’s is a brain disease and Parkinson’s is a disease of the nervous system.  Both of these diseases present challenges for persons interested in taking care of themselves and their families while they are living with the disease, so it is important to not wait until the opportunity for planning has passed.  Both The Alzheimer’s Association at http://www.alz.org  and the Parkinson Association of the Rockies at http://www.parkinsonrockies.org have helpful information for the public about legal issues for planning purposes.  Taking an approach to plan for a progressive disease such as Alzheimer’s or Parkinson’s can help people affected by these diseases maintain quality of life and dignity.

Conflict at the End of Life: When Dying is Preceded by Conflict

This is a very difficult place for most people: the intersection of grief, end-of-life decision making, quality of life at the end of one’s life, and conflicted emotions. Every family situation is different of course, but often there are feelings of guilt, resentment, anticipatory grief and despair that can overwhelm the more typical means of communication with others.   Several people I know in the hospice field have mentioned there is often a high amount of conflict as the dying person gets closer to the end of life.  I recently read Dr. Kiran Gupta’s article entitled “Hostile family member keeps doctors from focusing on patient.”    and it was quite an eye-opener about the level of conflict that those providing medical care to terminally ill or dying patients can be dragged into.

I’m sure there aren’t many of us who could imagine that this type of thing could happen in our family.  Sadly, I know of many hospice staff members who report that a patient’s impending death ramps up emotionality on many fronts and often leads to emotional, verbal and sometimes physical outbursts of violence among family members and loved ones.

This is a common issue in the broader context of family and intergenerational conflicts: who “owns” the conflict?  Sometimes it is difficult to identify the person “responsible” for managing or resolving the conflict , especially when the conflict is longstanding, ongoing and otherwise an “orphan,” such that no family member will own or take any responsibility for the existence of the conflict or a person’s share in it.  If a person is in hospice care, the medical providers or other hospice staff may somehow find themselves saddled with responsibility for the conflict because they are providing health care services, which is often the preferred focus of family members, who may not be prepared to work through the underlying conflict.

Here are some tips:

  • name the nature of the conflict – listen actively, reflecting back to check for comprehension;
  • consider the present costs of the conflict – in terms of the ill person’s limited time and the need of family members to attend to that person and get along with each other in the time remaining;
  • identify the causes of conflict in end-of-life care (include many differences of opinions relating to meaning of life, quality of life , standards for end of life care, age differences, poor or unproductive communication skills, and social, cultural and educational differences ;
  • ask whether the conflict and interactions can be managed successfully when and where possible; and
  • how to engage a third party mediator for resolving the conflicts stemming from end-of-life care

Simply naming the conflict – noting its existence and identifying its nature can be a huge leap from a stagnant conflict to a process of simplifying how it can be managed productively or resolved.    It is important to keep in mind that end of life questions and decisions involve high stakes outcomes and are morally complex and tend to invoke high levels of emotion, which are often expressed as reactions to a threat and often there is not time or emotional space for reflective decision making.  This can lead to a very difficult position – here are a few questions to consider if you or someone you know is struggling with situation:

  1. Ask yourself: how do I contribute to this conflict?
  2. How can I shift my behavior to enable an easier means of reconciliation?
  3. Can I get past my emotional baggage I bring to the conflict and focus on making the end of life situation the best it can be for my loved one?

If you find yourself honestly answering #3 and it is not a resounding “yes,” getting a third party involved might be helpful.   You may want to talk with a third party about preliminary aspects of a facilitation or mediation in this setting by:

  • estimating the cost of pretending there is no conflict (avoidance); outcome of  confrontational approach (likely to escalate);
  • considering the impact of the conflict on other decision making contexts, – financial, medical, emotional, etc.;
  • honestly and openly examining the role of the conflict and how it impacts the person affected – are they expected to take sides or manage a conflict given their declining heath;
  • looking behind the anger to unmask the underlying fear, rejection, remorse, etc (remembering that mediation is not therapy); and
  • deciding who will participate in the mediation

The process of sharing the responsibility for the conflict means you can share responsibility for managing and resolving it, and if you participate in mediation, you can also explore shared solutions.  The beauty of having a third party facilitate the process is that all interested persons can participate, and there isn’t one that has to “manage” how the others interact, at the expense of getting their own voice heard.

Who Is Taking Care of the Caregivers?

Did you know that according to the 2012 Report by the Alzheimer’s Association, over 15 million Americans provide unpaid care for a person with Alzheimer’s or some other form of dementia? f  The report, at page 27, also states that 80% of the care provided at home is given by family caregivers and that fewer than 10%  of older adults receive all of their care from paid workers.  The study also shows, in colorful bars, the proportionally larger number of caregivers of people with dementia (as compared with caregivers of older people) who provide assistance with activities of daily living (getting out of bed, dressing, toileting, bathing, managing incontinence, and feeding) along with the larger number of those dementia caregivers for both the 1-4 years and the 5+ years categories for the length of time of caregiving.  Page 31 of the report demonstrates that dementia caregivers suffer from 1.5 greater emotional stress level than the other elder adult caregivers, while the physical stresses were slightly lower. This report is very eye-opening.  One of my first questions about this is  – who is taking care of the caregivers?

Fortunately, the Alzheimer’s Association of Colorado offers assistance in the form of classes and workshops for people who are touched by Alzheimer’s and other forms of dementia.   A helpful list of resources available in Colorado can be found here.  Dementia care is stressful on a number of levels, so you may want to make sure that financial, legal and medical arrangements are already in place for the affected person.

So how do dementia caregivers of family members cope with the stress? I am a regular practitioner of yoga, so I was pleased to see this post on “Yoga for Caregivers: Meditation May Lower Depression, Improve Brain Functioning in Dementia Caregivers of 3/13/2012 available here.

Many times a better understanding of the behaviors of people with dementia can be helpful as can adjustments to communication techniques.  The Family Caregiver Alliance offers the following 10 tips:

1.      Set a positive mood for interaction – your attitude and body language communicate your feelings and thoughts stronger than your words.

2.      Get the person’s attention and limit distractions and noise, use nonverbal cues and touch to help keep her focused. If she is seated, get down to her level and maintain eye contact.

3.      State your message clearly, using simple words and sentences. Speak slowly, distinctly and in a reassuring tone. Refrain from raising your voice higher or louder; instead, pitch your voice lower. If she doesn’t understand the first time, use the same wording to repeat your message or question. If she still doesn’t understand, wait a few minutes and rephrase the question. Use the names of people and places instead of pronouns or abbreviations.

4.      Ask simple, answerable questions, and ask them one at a time (those with yes or no answers work best).

5.      Listen with your ears, eyes and heart and be patient in waiting for your loved one’s reply. If she is struggling for an answer, it’s okay to suggest words. Watch for nonverbal cues and body language, and respond appropriately. Always strive to listen for the meaning and feelings that underlie the words.

6.      Break down activities into a series of steps. This makes many tasks much more manageable.

7.      When the going gets tough, distract and redirect. When your loved one becomes upset, try changing the subject or the environment.

8.      Respond with affection and reassurance. People with dementia often feel confused, anxious and unsure of themselves. Further, they often get reality confused and may recall things that never really occurred. Avoid trying to convince them they are wrong. Stay focused on the feelings they are demonstrating (which are real) and respond with verbal and physical expressions of comfort, support and reassurance. Sometimes holding hands, touching, hugging and praise will get the person to respond when all else fails.

9.      Remember the good old days. Remembering the past is often a soothing and affirming activity. Many people with dementia may not remember what happened 45 minutes ago, but they can clearly recall their lives 45 years earlier. Therefore, avoid asking questions that rely on short-term memory, such as asking the person what they had for lunch. Instead, try asking general questions about the person’s distant past—this information is more likely to be retained.

10.  Maintain your sense of humor. Use humor whenever possible, though not at the person’s expense. People with dementia tend to retain their social skills and are usually delighted to laugh along with you.

The tips are from  http://www.caregiver.org

Some of the distressing facts about caregiving are According to the American Medical Association, 16 percent of caregivers have worsened health after they’ve begun caring for someone. And about half of Alzheimer’s disease caregivers go on to develop psychological distress.  So please remember, if you are caring for a person with dementia or want to help support someone who is providing that care, there are many sources of support available, so please take good care of the caregiver and get help if you need it.

Hospice Care and Quality of Life

What is hospice care?  the word “hospice” comes from the Latin hospitium which the Romans used to describe as a place where guests were received with lodging and hospitality and they are believed to have existed since there were efforts to care for the sick and dying.  The pioneer of the modern hospice movement in this country was Dr. Florence Wald, who joined a group that formed Hospice, Inc. of New Haven, Connecticut, the first hospice in the U.S.  [From Hospice: Past, Future and Ethical Considerations, by Amy Corcoran and Jennifer Kapo in The Penn Center Guide to Bioethics at 775 (2009: Springer).

Why is it still so difficult for many people to talk about hospice care? I think the answer is simple – it has to do with our lingering taboo against open communication about death and the dying process.  I think this taboo is long overdue for being tossed out of our culture, and that is the reason for my writing about it.  Are you wondering about how hospice care is accepted in mainstream medicine in the U.S.? More information on the Medicare hospice benefit is available here  and did you know that over 90% of hospices in the US are certified by Medicare?

What is the difference between hospice and palliative care?  Both are focused on maintaining quality of life for the patient, and treating the person as an individual with dignity, and not focusing as a set of medical challenges to be overcome.   According to the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization (NHPCO), hospice focuses on caring, not curing, and the care is usually provided in the person’s own home if possible, and in other instances may be provided in a hospital, nursing home, or freestanding hospice facility. The stated focus of hospice care is based on the belief that each of us has the right to die pain-free and with dignity, and to provide assistance to our loved ones to allow us to do so.  Hospice care often involves helping a person be comfortable by addressing pain management as well as physical and emotional suffering, and typically a team-based approach (doctors, nurses, social workers and chaplains) provide care for not just the individual but for their loved ones as well.  In addition to Medicare, hospice care is covered under most private insurance plans.

Palliative care is the medical term used for the kind of care provided for dying people in hospice care, but it also encompasses care at any stage of an illness or condition that addresses quality of life and managing physical and emotional pain and suffering associated with the illness. Unlike hospice care, palliative care can be appropriate for persons in any stage of a disease, it is care designed to relieve symptoms without having a curative effect on the underlying disease or condition.  Both hospice and palliative care focus on a person’s quality of life, but they are not the same type of care.

Searching for a cure at any cost and advocating heroic measures often take a steep toll in terms of quality of life.  It is a good idea to have a conversation about these matters in the context of making a durable power of attorney for health care or an advance directive.  If you are wondering about doctors in Colorado who provide palliative care, the Life Quality Institute  is a local organization that provides, among other things, educational presentations about end-of-life issues has a list of such providers available here.

Perhaps you are at a loss for what to say to a dying person, how to interact with them.  I liked the advice of Joan Halifax  who urges us to look beyond our own fears and into that person’s heart.  Her book, Being With Dying (published 2009is a beautiful work, and a pdf available here has some great ideas about how to use the gift of language to express ourselves, and the gift of presence to express compassion for a dying person.

I think my favorite book right now is The Four Things That Matter Most, by Ira Byock, M.D. (2004: Free Press).  Dr. Byock wrote the Foreward to Being With Dying, and he identifies the Four Things quite simply as:

Please forgive me.

I forgive you.

Thank you.

I love you.

Of course, the first thing he says after introducing these four things is not to wait until the end of someone’s life (often we have no idea when that will be) but rather that these things apply at any time during our lives.  They, like all the wisdom from many commentators on the end of life, have much relevance for the beginning and middle parts of our lives.  Can you imagine starting a conversation with a loved one with these words?  These words are powerful medicine!

Why Would I Want to Use an Elder/Probate Mediator for My Family’s Dispute?

How is your relationship with your siblings now that you must make plans for an aging or ailing parent who needs your help?  If you are facing this challenge – you are definitely not alone!  Lots of life events can shake up our worlds, many of them are anticipated and some unanticipated, but nothing has quite the same effect as having to deal with difficulties relating to an aging or ailing parent.  There is no preparation for this either – as life events go, this situation simply didn’t exist until recently because we didn’t have the longevity we have now which coupled with medical advancements and healthier lifestyles  make for an ever-expanding number.  Couple this with the number of baby boomers coming up on retirement age, and it’s quite impressive.  Your odds of being a caregiver at some point in your life are quite high, and so are the chances for conflict in that relationship.   Many of the difficulties among siblings stemming from dealing with an aging parent’s care   can be managed through effective communication (if that is possible and practiced), but taking care of an aging or ailing parent can be scary for many of us because it is a reminder of our own mortality  and often puts a history of sibling dysfunction into the forefront,  and this can be a toxic combination for siblings who may want to be pulling together for their parent when they find themselves unable to do so.

How do you and your siblings get along now, how have you fared in your adult relationships with each other, and is dealing with an aging or ailing parent putting a serious strain on the relationship?  This strain will obviously affect your ability to care for your parent, as well as how you take care of yourself and your own family

How do you find a mediator?  You can look on the internet of course for someone who has experience in not just mediation but also the substantive area of elder care – so they are familiar with the types of issues (financial, emotional, medical) as well as the legal context for the disputes (appropriate use of durable power of attorney, also guardianship and conservatorship issues).  The AARP recently published an article about how to choose an elder mediator   I liked how this article referred to mediators as “peacemakers,” as that is essentially the role of a mediator in this context, and it recognizes that adult child caregiving is usually fraught with conflict, as it often involves a difficult situation where siblings may be inattentive or disagree about a course of action to assist an aging, ill or frail parent.

In Colorado, mediators are not required to be licensed – so it’s an especially good idea to do some background checking about the mediator’s background and experience.  Holding oneself out as an “elder care mediator” is something most anyone could do, so you may want to confirm that a mediator has completed a 40 hour mediation training course (at minimum) and has some experience in elder care or probate disputes.    Here’s a simple roadmap for charting your course with siblings:

  1. What is fair?
  2. Who will decide?
  3. How will we work together?
  4. Don’t underestimate the transformational power of compassion; and
  5. Get help if you need it!

Happy trails!

National Healthcare Decision Day – Are You Ready?

Does It Matter How We Face a Health Crisis or the End of Our Life?  If you answered yes, like most Americans, then you may want to have that difficult conversation now – while you can, and put a plan in place to ensure that your preferences are known and that the pressure is taken off family members to decide in a vacuum.

Monday, April 16th marked the 5th Annual National Healthcare Decisions Day.  What is National Healthcare Decisions Day?      It is designed to educate the public and providers about the importance of advance care planning.  It promotes the idea that having these conversations and making plans to support having the preferences and choices carried out is taking care of each other.

Please don’t mistake this for a national “fill out a form” day.  This is not the message!  It is about appreciating the significance of talking to loved ones about health care scenarios and making preferences known.  The end result of this process is the documentation.

You can begin the process by asking yourself: “what kind of health care do I want if I have suffered a life-threatening traumatic injury, accident or face an illness that may be terminal or is likely to impair my ability to decide for myself?  These are not “unthinkable” scenarios, they happen every day whether we are aware of them or not.  While we cannot control many of the circumstances leading up to the illness or injury (when it is often too late to have the conversation), we can choose to make deliberate and informed choices about health care, and this will make it much easier for our loved ones to take care of us, instead of worrying about “what we would have wanted.”  A great form that is readily available to assist in thinking about these questions, scenarios, preferences and values is available from the University of New Mexico in pdf form.     This form is long but it is thorough and likely to cover situations that we otherwise wouldn’t consider.  Many of us use our personal experience as a reference point (“don’t let me end up like great-Grandma Jones who was kept alive for seven months . . . !”), but that should just be the starting point for the conversation.

How do I get started?

  1. Educate yourself – take a look at the Colorado Bar Association’s pamphlet about Advance Medical Directives.
  2. Think about what is important to you by using a tool like the Values History form or the American Bar Association’s Toolkit for Health Care Advance Planning
  3. If you have special concerns relating to your decisions, or need help getting family or loved ones involved in the process – get assistance!
  4. Pick a person (an agent or proxy) on whom you can rely to be your health care agent and make sure that any questions you have about how this arrangement works are addressed by legal and/or medical professionals.  Some basic questions about the difference between a financial and a health care power of attorney are answered in the Colorado Bar Association’s Senior Law Handbook   where you can also find good information about hospice and palliative care.
  5. When you have identified what you want, communicated with others and discussed your preferences, you will want to ensure that these will be carried out – so don’t forget the last step of making the documents!  Each state has its own unique laws, so while you may think that  a “one-size-fits-all” form you find is great, you may want to be sure that it will work in the way you want it to – so check with an attorney who focuses on elder law and these types of issues.

April is Donate Life Month – Are You a Registered Organ and Tissue Donor?

Have you seen the bumper sticker that says “recycle yourself?” perhaps not – it’s much more common to see the Donate Life license plates or the little red heart on your Colorado Driver’s License that indicates you are a registered organ and tissue donor.  April is Donate Life Month  – so please read on!  If you haven’t signed up yet because you still have questions about it, you can go here  to get the facts about organ donation.  Keep in mind that you should discuss with your family about the decision so they are clear about your wishes.  Why?  When you register by signing a donor card (on the Colorado driver’s license it’s indicated with a little heart with a “Y” in it just below your signature),  your family members will be clear about your wishes to donate.  If you’re a Colorado resident, click here to get information about how to register.   The Mayo Clinic has a good article here  busting some myths about organ donation, and the Donor Alliance recently released a local study conducted in Denver, Aurora and Pueblo.

A recent New York Times article is about a new policy in Israel that gives registered organ donors priority to receive transplants.   Israel’s change in policy was based was based on some unique facts of its religious population, but the cooperation of the religious communities resulted in a highly successful public awareness campaign, which swelled the numbers of registered donors.  Signing up for this is easy and you can save lives and enhance quality of life through a donation – signing up has never been easier, and this has increased the rolls of registered donors – but there’s still a long way to go.

There’s an interesting Pittsburgh Gazette article from February here and  Donate Life America, the national nonprofit that advocates for people to register as organ and tissue donors has been reaching its goals of adding donors in recent years, but it has set its goal for 2012 to register 20 million new donors.  Will you be one of them?  Talk about leaving a legacy! This is everyday heroism in action – turning tragic events into opportunities to save others’ lives.  Don’t forget to sign up!

Estate Planning for Blended or Nontraditional Families

A blended family or nontraditional family is a family in which one or both of the adults have children from a previous marriage or relationship.  In case you’re thinking “I didn’t have an estate plan for my first marriage –why would I need one for the second one?”  you may be overlooking the” details” of your children or grandchildren or unfamiliar with how best to take care of your second spouse or partner!  If you have children from a previous marriage, you may want to determine how your second spouse or partner and your kids will divide your estate.  Longevity (incapacity) planning looks at how the decision-making responsibilities will be shared among the family members or loved ones involved.  Both the estate and longevity planning will depend on your age and circumstances, as well as how old your kids are, and you may consider whether there are educational expenses or grandkids you want to provide for, and so on.  This is an especially important discussion to have with your second spouse or partner so that the concerns, goals and techniques are clear going forward.  A blended family situation is more likely to be driven by different estate planning goals for husband and wife or  life partners, than in a marriage or partnership the first time around – when a couple may be younger and share more common goals and there is typically only one set of children.

This estate planning, like all others, starts with a discussion.  So – what are some of the benefits of blended families estate planning?

  • helps identify goals of each spouse or partner – who they want to support and for what purposes;
  • can bring clarity for who provides what kind of support for  whom;
  • takes into account any pre-nuptial or post-nuptial agreements (these are known as “marital agreements” under Colorado law);
  • sheds light on financial and medical concerns and authority to make decisions in the event of incapacity or death.

If you are concerned about any of these issues and want to avoid a conflict-laden situation where  your surviving spouse or partner may be at odds with your kids or other family members, it is worth looking into making a plan.  A comprehensive estate plan will take into account your probate and nonprobate assets, the beneficiaries, and will also provide powers of attorney to provide for your welfare during short or long term disability or incapacity.  Read the CBA Estate Planning brochure

If you are looking to the future together and are realistic, making an estate plan can help cement expectations.  I liked this Ehow article on “How to Blend A Family,”  and no, it doesn’t involve a small kitchen appliance!

The term “blended families” doesn’t just apply to married couples – it can apply to unmarried couples as well, including a man and woman who could decide to marry each other if they chose to at a future date, or a same sex couple whose partnership may not be recognized as a marriage.  In Colorado, unmarried persons have the option of giving certain rights to another unmarried person through a Designated Beneficiaries Agreement. Find general information about Colorado Designated Beneficiaries Law here.

This agreement can provide benefits to the survivor of the two parties to a DBA, but does not provide disposition of property or confer rights for the second to die.  More information in my article here.

Okay, you may be interested in looking into this further, but maybe you don’t yet have a clear picture of what could happen if you (1) do nothing or (2) make assumptions without consulting the spouse or partner.  What are some things that could go wrong?

  • old wills and other plans are still in place that do not reflect current goals and concerns;
  • if you have minor children, outright gifts to them may be controlled by your former spouse;
  • picking a personal representative, guardian, trustee or co-trustee or other key people who do not get along with each other;
  • making your kids wait until the death of your surviving spouse or partner to inherit anything, which can fuel resentment;
  • failing to update beneficiary designations on nonprobate assets like retirement accounts, pay on death accounts, etc.  (these are not automatically changed as a result of divorce);
  • leaving everything to the surviving spouse or partner and assuming that he or she will “take care of” your kids; and
  • [this one is not unique to blended families]  leaving large amounts of money or property outright to someone who is not prepared to handle it – a/k/a the lottery effect.

If you are part of  a blended family and haven’t discussed with your spouse or partner what your wishes are, you may want to start that initial conversation – the first step to making plans.

Difficult Conversations About End of Life – DNR vs. Health Care Power of Attorney

What many people don’t want to consider – is the prospect of when a person’s DNR/DNI (do not resuscitate/do not intubate) directions may come into conflict with what an agent under a health care power of attorney decides. When a surrogate overrides the patient’s stated wishes (for example, where the children’s interests in “saying goodbye” override a mother’s DNR wishes) Check out this very powerful video of two daughters recounting the difficult decisions they made regarding their mother’s health care.

This video highlights the slippery slope of medical intervention and not knowing when the intervention will end and a daughter’s grief about going against her mother’s wishes.  She poignantly describes her mother’s searching eyes which seemed to ask “why are you doing this to me?”  This is an excellent reminder for all of us, especially those who work with older people who are facing health challenges: have the conversation with your kids or other surrogate decision makers and make your wishes explicit!  It is also useful to note the ongoing need for what the medical document known as a DNR means –it doesn’t mean “no medical care” – it means do not resuscitate.

Between the short periods of time a doctor may spend (if any time is spent at all) explaining to an older person or one who has a medical condition or disease which would make a DNR, and the reluctance that most people have to talk to their loved ones about these difficult situation, these conversations are hard, but worth the effort according to all the people I’ve spoken to about it.  I always encourage my clients, and sometimes also participate in family meetings around this issue of facilitating a specific conversation about identifying a older adult’s wishes, talking about particular scenarios and using specifics where appropriate to illustrate how wishes might be carried out.

Daughter who decided, when asked by the doctor whether she would give permission to put her mother on ventilator decided that she would have done things differently and would have declined intubation.  Daughters could see the pain their mother went through and finally asked mother to respond by blinking to their question “do you want to be taken off the ventilator?”  Very powerful video I strongly recommend.  This is why I think it is important to take time with clients, who are willing and interested in getting real about the difficult end-of-life choice, to discuss with them and often with their adult children the difficult but inevitable prospect of “letting go.”

Along similar lines is an article by Sally Mauk in The Missoulian entitled “Doctor Says Advances Prolong Life, Make Dying Harder,”   The article pinpoints several of the difficult facts that we baby boomers must face in light of the experience of many of our parents’ deaths as well as medical and economic realities that have dramatically changed in recent years.  Mauk’s article is primarily about Dr. Ira Byock, a past president of the American Academy of Hospice and Palliative Medicine.  Byock’s website is www.dyingwell.org and his book Dying Well, published by Riverhead in 1997, is on my office bookshelf, and his newest book “The Best Care Possible: A Physician’s Quest to Transform Care Through the End of Life,”  is a book I’ll be reading soon.  It is best to take the time to start thinking about these issues so that a conversation with loved ones will be more likely and probably less stressful – start with your doctor and don’t forget to consider how the medical and legal documents can work together to support your goals.