Denial of Aging and Death as Source of Conflict

Centranthus or Jupiter’s Beard

Autumn here in the Denver metropolitan area is beautiful.  Some of our trees’ leaves have started turning while others have not.  The apple tree in my backyard is producing many fine apples, which I am happy to eat.  Her leaves are just starting to curl a bit.  The late tomato harvest is petering out as the nights get colder.  In between the two posts on the “time out of mind” theme I wanted to write about conflict and denial.  I haven’t written about this in a while and since October is Conflict Resolution Month, I thought the time was right!  I like the language from the Colorado Senate’s Joint Resolution (13-017) on this topic:

WHEREAS, These conflict resolution processes [mediation, arbitration, facilitation, etc.] empower individuals, families, communities, organizations, and businesses to foster communication and devise solutions that are acceptable and responsive to the needs and interests of all parties involved; and

WHEREAS, Conflict resolution is taught and practiced by citizens in many school systems, universities, and graduate programs throughout Colorado and the world as a way of solving disputes; and

WHEREAS, Community-based programs work to strengthen local relationships by fairly and equitably resolving neighborhood and community conflicts and opening community dialogues based in reason and mutual respect;

So you might be wondering what conflict resolution month has to do with fall, the inevitable changes in our lives and. . . . denial? Each of us deals with change and resulting conflict differently and our “conflict style” is often a pattern of responses of types of behaviors that we use in conflict-laden situations.  We often hone these skills in our family or sibling relationships.  How we manage our concern about conflict and how much we look at it a particular conflict as a “mine, yours or ours” type of situation greatly informs our response and participation in managing and resolving a conflict.  This is particularly so in the elder law context, in which there is often a challenge (usually a constellation of them) and difficulties presented when an elder begins to slow down or fail physically or mentally.  How family members and loved ones respond to those changes has a huge impact on an elder’s well-being.

The contemporary view of conflict styles lists five basic styles:

Avoidance (a/k/a denial)

Accommodation

Compromise

Competition

Collaboration

If you have already observed that these styles are a bit of a continuum, you are astute.  The most active and engaged styles are the last two – competition and collaboration, while the least engaged are the first two – avoidance and accommodation.  The whole idea of Conflict Resolution Month is to get people to think outside their comfort zone as it relates to conflict resolution, to educate people about the array of alternatives available to assist.  This can begin early – for several years I volunteered with The Conflict Center’s Peace Day programs in area elementary schools.  Many of us don’t otherwise learn these useful skills or get to see this modeled in our daily lives, let alone practice them with our peers.

In the interest of brevity, I will finish this post with a poem from a poet friend in New York who was a participant with me at a retreat last month.  Sometimes the most important thing about “owning” a conflict is to recognize how our lives would look without the existence of conflict.  This is often very difficult to consider – especially in the context of family relationships, sibling rivalries and unbalanced power dynamics.  This poem I just received from Richard, entitled “Yellow Birds” is about birds, space and the beautiful world we share.   So please read on.

Yellow birds, flocked to the earth,

fluttering to light, leaving to the air

her emptiness, as wind gives you leave

to land, brothers and sisters singing,

to the great green reception,

your welcome home.

Great space brings such joy, the

opening of the thick and heavy, the

beauty whose richness obscured, now

cleared—outbreath of the inbreath—to

breathe in without restriction, with

the freedom of the letting go.

So our angel unfurls her wings,

exultant in the wild air, beating as

breathing, lifting into the morning light—

soaring as walking, wide and wild, our

arms swinging, above and below

joined, one body beloved.

So I pick my way through the

Garden paths, past empty vines, under

the frosted purple grapes, hearing the

hawk’s cry, seeing his wings soar,

knowing as my feet trod every color’s

leaves, here I am in heaven.

By Richard Wehrman (with gracious permission from the author)

That’s all for now. . .  enjoy the fall, the ripening of grapes and the stillness it all can bring.

 ©Barbara Cashman  2014   www.DenverElderLaw.org