Elder Abuse and the Mother-Child Relationship

Tree Mother

Tree Mother

 

Today I’m exploring the question of whether exploitation or neglect of an elder parent by an adult child presents differently due to the gender of the parent.  I will begin with a question:  is the elder parent – adult child relationship different between mothers and fathers?  What about when it “goes wrong” and results in neglect, exploitation or financial, physical or verbal/emotional abuse? I can say from my experience as an elder law attorney that elder mothers appear to be taken advantage of in ways that are often different from those means involving elder fathers.

This post crosses a lot of territory – spanning the abuse of a power of attorney by an adult child serving as agent, elder abuse resulting from neglect of an incapacitated elder, to the evolution of family conflict across many years of relationships.  Abuse in these contexts can take many varied forms and because it is part of a family relationship, a most intimate one of mother and child – it can express itself in subtle and slippery ways.

I have noticed in the estate planning portion of my work that fathers tend to have a much easier time with leaving disproportionate shares of an estate among adult children and also seem to be much more resolute about disinheriting a child.  One of the reasons might be that mothers tend to have a higher involvement and investment in the parent-child relationship, even as it evolves over the lifetime of the parent and the adult child(ren).  In my experience, mothers are more likely to hold out hope that a wayward child (whom a father might easily disinherit) will return to a more productive life path or that the filial relationship will otherwise be redeemed.

Some people might think that threatening one’s mother with putting her in a nursing home might amount to elder abuse.  I’m not saying that it wouldn’t constitute emotional abuse in some circumstances, which could be used by an adult child to further a strategy of dominating and controlling a parent for their own personal gain.  This threat could also stem from an adult child caregiver who is overstressed from his or her responsibilities to care for a (sometimes uncooperative or difficult) parent.  Sometimes what ends up as exploitation starts out as a willingness to assist the parent but perhaps due to the nature of the parent-child relationship or as a result of the buildup of resentment on the part of the child, the caregiving goes astray.  But what I’m talking about in this post goes a bit further.

As we all know, parents remain parents of children, with all of the emotional responsibility that entails – regardless of the age of the child.  The fact is that many elders are better off financially (or at least more secure) than their children and they may want to help their children financially, but there is a razor-thin edge between healthy nurturing and being subjected to emotional manipulation.  Here’s a link to an AARP article from 2013 which has some sad statistics.  Part of the problem is a sense of entitlement from the adult child or children.  Some of us in my field of practice use the term “impatient heir” to describe these adult children who seem to be biding their time until the parent dies and they can “collect.”

I don’t want to sound like a broken record here, but I have noted a number of times in previous posts that there is not very much current research documenting the prevalence of elder abuse.  There is some recent work on the sometimes toxic nature of filial relationships and elder abuse.  What is “taking care of” someone and what does it properly entail? Here’s a link to an abstract about the special significance of the adult daughter-elder mother relationship and the use of aggression. Underreporting is an obvious problem – particularly when the reason for underreporting is shame or embarrassment.  When an elder mother (or father) reaches out to me as a resource person to assist in remedying a situation, one of the first things I say involves the recognition of how brave the mother Is to contact someone outside the family to report on what is generally a highly embarrassing and sometimes shameful situation.  One elder mother I worked with recounted to me how her daughter told her that she was mean to her when she was a teenager and so the daughter’s control over her mother’s finances was part of a “payback.”  Another mother extended her home temporarily to a child from whom she had been estranged for many years, only to learn he had no intention of ever leaving.  The victim-victimizer narrative in these situations can get rather convoluted!

Dr. Judith Smith is a researcher in this field who is engaged in studying how family conflict plays out in the later years of the parent and she has focused on the parent’s feelings of ambivalence (e.g., a mother wanting to help her child versus the resentment of feeling the need to assist).  The National Adult Protective Services Association (NAPSA) recently added Dr. Smith’s research brief entitled “Elder Abuse, Mother Abuse and Parenting in later Life.  Here is a link to the power point training offered by Judith Smith, LCSW, PhD on Vimeo on which NAPSA based their report.

The ambivalence scale to which Dr. Smith’s training refers is described in more detail here by Karl Pillemer, in the article entitled “Ambivalence Toward Adult Children: Differences Between Mothers and Fathers,” and you can read the article on the National Institutes of Health website here.

As we continue down the road of longevity, it might help us to think about our long term familial relationships and how they are challenged or compromised as a result of a parent’s longevity.  When this longevity involves physical frailty, emotional dependence, cognitive impairment or other factors diminishing an elder parent’s autonomy – what is an appropriate response?  This is of course an ongoing conversation and I will continue on this topic in the future.

© 2016 Barbara Cashman  www.DenverElderLaw.org

November is National Family Caregivers’ Month

Clouds in Water

Clouds in Water

In the post, I will look at some of the challenges of caregiving for a loved one with dementia and provide some resources for this growing population.  November is also National Alzheimer’s Disease Awareness Month.  Here’s a link to the Alzheimer’s Association’s caregiver center, which has helpful information and resources.

As we approach the holiday season, it struck me that it would be a good time to revisit this topic.  The holiday season and its focus on family activities and get-togethers, can cause additional strain to family relationships made stressful due to an elder parent or loved one’s dementia.

The first important detail is that people with dementia are usually cared for by family members or friends and the most of them (about 80%) are receiving care in their homes.  Here are some numbers from the Centers for Disease Control:

Each year, 15 million Americans provide more than 17 billion hours of unpaid care for family and friends with Alzheimer’s disease and related dementias. More than six in ten (62%) caregivers were women, almost one in four (23%) were 65 years of age and older, and three in ten (30%) had children under 18 years old living with them.

Caregivers of those persons with dementia usually provide such care for a longer period than the caregivers for other diseases or conditions, and the CDC statistics on this demonstrate that

More than four in ten (43%) caregivers of people with Alzheimer’s and related dementias provide care for one to four years, and more than three in ten (32%) are caregivers for five years or more. For other types of chronic conditions that require care, more than three in ten (33%) caregivers provide care for one to four years, and almost three in ten (28%) are caregivers for five years or more.  

Caregiver stress, caregiver burnout, and for premature death for an elder spouse of a person a suffering from dementia are all very real risks here.  The demands of caregiving for a loved one with dementia subject the caregiver to greater risks of anxiety, depression and overall poorer quality of life.  So, that is the bad news. . . so what kind of resources are available to support these caregivers?

There are a range of options to consider of course, as every person or family’s situation is unique.  Perhaps all that is really need is a bit of respite care.  Sometimes just the prospect of respite care being available can make a huge difference in the emotional health of a family caregiver.  Here is a link to the Colorado Respite Coalition, which has a variety of resources available.

The vast majority of caregiving in this country is done by family members free of charge.  For many people however, volunteering these services is simply not a financial option.  Here’s a link www.disability.gov, the federal government’s website that has links, resources and helpful information for family caregivers as well as information about how family caregivers can get paid to perform such services.    And here is a link to the eldercare locator, a public service of the U.S. administration of Aging.  The Medicare.gov site also has some information that can be helpful to caregivers about what Medicare provides.  The AARP site lists these five skills that help persons care for the elders they love: observation (paying attention to changes); organization; communication; questioning and tenacity.

Several of the helpful sites above advise elders to put important legal documents in place while the elder retains capacity to do so.  When will you know whether a power of attorney is needed? Chances are good that it will be too late for an elder with dementia to execute a power of attorney once it is determined that such a document is needed!  So, I will close this post with a reminder concerning a couple bare minimum documents which are required to ease the burden of family caregiving: a health care power of attorney (with a conversation about end of life wishes with the named agent, successor agent and perhaps other family members) and a general durable (financial) power of attorney.

Both of these documents are planning documents that are designed to prevent the need for later protective proceedings in probate court  – for guardianship and/or conservatorship – in the event of an elder’s inability to manage their money or if they become incapacitated due to advancing dementia.  The American Bar Association’s “tool kit” for advance health care planning has good questions to consider in how to select your agent and list your priorities.  Remember, one of the best ways for elders to NOT be a burden on their loved ones is to plan ahead and the value of that advance legal and medical planning should not be minimized.

© Barbara E. Cashman 2016   www.DenverElderLaw.org

 

Dementia and the Right to Vote

The Angels of Voting?

The Angels of Voting?

As our national election day nears, I thought it would be worthwhile to revisit the topic of voting rights and elders with dementia.  What kind of folks am I describing with such a broad sweep? Here I’m talking about the people with advanced dementia, some of whom reside in nursing homes or other institutionalized settings who have a court-appointed guardian acting for them as well as those elders who are living in the community and may have a diagnosis of dementia or simply suffer from cognitive deficits or decline.

So – you’re wondering whether I will reveal that folks suffering from advanced dementia who reside in say, a Colorado “memory care” facility, still retain the right to vote? Why yes, that is one of my points!  Voting law is a combination of federal and state laws.  As you may recall from studying American history, some states in the late 19th century passed “Jim Crow” laws that (among other things) imposed a poll tax, literacy test or other legal hurdle to black voters residing in those states.  It took a long time to remedy the situation, but the Voting Rights Act was signed into law by President Johnson in 1965.  Why do I mention this important legislation of the civil rights movement? Because it, along with federal case law, help inform the backdrop for the federal law of the right to vote.  But while the Voting Rights Act and federal law prohibit states from denying any citizen the right to vote on the grounds of race or gender, the Act specifically allows states to enact laws to deny the right to vote to people for two reasons: criminal conviction or mental incapacity [See 42 U.S.C. § 1973gg-6(a)(3)(B)].

It is important to note that the right to vote has been an area of struggle for many people in the disabled community.  Elder law’s capacity and incapacity analysis and some of its underlying policy often make reference to law concerning the disabled.  Voting rights of elders with dementia is one of those areas of intersection with disability law.

For resident citizens who are disabled, incapacitated (those persons for whom a court has appointed a guardian) or persons with dementia, Colorado is one of a relatively small number of states (eight) which has neither mention of mental incapacity (some terms used in other states include idiocy, insanity, non compos mentis, etc.) in our Constitution as a bar to voting nor any state statutory law prohibiting the (mentally) incapacitated from exercising their right to vote.  You can read more about assessing the capacity to vote here.

Keep in mind that there is a Colorado statute which relates to individuals confined to a mental health institution.  That statute specifies that individuals confined in a mental illness institution “shall not lose the right to vote because of the confinement.” C.R.S. 1-2-103. So, as long as that person is otherwise qualified to vote, they will be given a ballot. Additionally, Colorado law requires mental health institutions to help assist their confined residents to register to vote and obtain mail ballots.

The difficulties for elders with dementia who are Colorado voters will boil down to more practical matters concerning, for example, how to get assistance to complete a mail-in ballot.  That is a more challenging proposition as the federal law Help America Vote Act of 2002 (Pub.L. 107–252)  and Colorado laws require that voters with disabilities be able to cast their vote privately and without assistance. Each Colorado county has purchased accessible voting machines to be used in every polling place which are designed to provide the opportunity for voters with a wide range of disabilities to vote privately and independently.  These laws and other applicable law designed to prevent improper influence on voting may effectively render an incapacitated person’s right to vote meaningless because the person will not be able to exercise the right.

Perhaps this will be a new frontier of elder law: requiring cognitively accessible ballots and other election procedures.  Making these a priority could potentially provide a tangible benefit for many other voters.

© Barbara E. Cashman 2016   www.DenverElderLaw.org